so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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