I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
