The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
