Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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