I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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