I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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