So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
