goodnight i made you a song goodbye
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
