textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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