the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
