well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So apparently I’m into choking now
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