I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
