i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
