I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
