mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
