How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
