I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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