omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
