you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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