I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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