covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
