I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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