This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
