i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
