it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize