A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize