I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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