i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
