And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
