my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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