my vag is so smooth its legendary
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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