i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
