She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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