i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
