have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
