if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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