i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize