I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
that may or may not have been my penis.
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