The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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