i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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