I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
