getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
