I could make wine with my vomit
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
