Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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