I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize