Your tits are I can't wait for
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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