i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
