i need an iv and a liver transplant
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
