mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
