A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
