do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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