need another drink. this is the easiest way
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
