I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
