On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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