My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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