If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
