Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
