Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
