Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
