My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
