Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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