Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
