didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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