It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You did what with his pubic hair?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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