There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
