i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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